Since the world is scheduled to end today before midnight (that’s right people – we’re not out of the woods yet), I thought it might be a good time to get a few things off my chest while I still had the chance – some confessions and some observations. Things that I’ve been thinking about for a while, but just haven’t found an appropriate time to discuss. Here goes nothing:
- “Grease 2” is better than the original. Perhaps it’s because I’ve seen it 723 times on TBS – I’m not sure. Adrian Zmed and Michelle Pfeiffer – it’s hard to go wrong there. And yes, I do have the soundtrack on my iPhone.
- Kermit the Frog just isn’t the same anymore. I know Jim Henson’s son is now running the famous amphibian, but there’s something missing. Call me a purist, but I miss the real Kermit.
- McDonald’s needs to get their act together on Happy Meals. First – if I want apples slices and a microscopic order of fries for my child, I’ll order it. I don’t need you to make that decision for me. (Let’s face it – at that point I’m already at McDonald’s. I’ve obviously chosen convenience over healthy.) Second – why is it such a problem that I ask for water with the Happy Meal. For starters, it’s healthier than soda (I’ll point you at the apple scenario above.) Secondly, I’ll gladly pay for it. I’m not asking you for something for free. Although, if I did want to go that route, you’ll happily GIVE me a cup of water at no charge as long as I ask for it separately from the Happy Meal.
- I’ll watch a reality show about anything. A few months ago, I found myself reaching for the remote to TiVo the end of “America’s Best Contractor” when we had to leave the house. It was a competition show about contracting, and I just HAD to see who won the “toilet installation” challenge. That’s right – I spend my time away from work watching other people work.
- Contrary to popular opinion, Bea Arthur was not the best Golden Girl. Betty White was. And she still is.
- Try as I might, I can’t hate One Direction. There song, “Beautiful” is just plain catchy. There I said it. On a related note, I still have no problem hating Justin Bieber – so I’m not a total loss.
- The only thing cooler than a monkey is a monkey that can sing and/or dance.
- If you sit down next to me on a plane and I ask, “How’s it going?” – I’m really not asking a question. I’m really saying, “I’ve acknowledged your presence. Now I’m going to do something far more interesting, like read a book or sleep. Please don’t attempt to talk to me again during this flight. If I do fall asleep, please don’t wake me up because you have to use the bathroom. It’s not my fault your planned poorly and got stuck with a window seat. Don’t drink so many Shirley Temples on the flight. And by the way, I can see that you are watching ‘Magic Mike’ on your laptop. Awkward…”
- Chuck Norris may be tough, but he’s overrated. If you want to find a real tough guy, you have to look at Rowdy Roddy Piper in “They Live”. He’s all out of bubble gum. Enough said.
- I would rather read a Spanish language guide to gardening than any of the Twilight books. I actually think reading those books lowers your IQ by a few points.
- Yes, my music is turned off for taxi, takeoff, and landing. I promise.
- I was told recently at a restaurant that “no changes” could be made to the burgers because they would “destroy the flavor profiles” designed by the chef. Burgers don’t have flavor profiles – they have cheese. And if you won’t give me the kind of cheese I want, I won’t be giving you any more of my money.
- If God had wanted pickles on a Chick-Fil-A sandwich… Wait, who I am kidding? God doesn’t want pickles on a Chick-Fil-A sandwich, that’s obviously the work of the Devil.
- Billy Pilgrim is one of the best bands that never quite made it big. I miss them.
- The best show that Julie Bowen has ever been in is not “Modern Family”, it’s “Ed” – a show that proved a lawyer can be successful AND own a bowling alley.
- The WWE may have taken it global, but real wrestling will always be Ric Flair, Mr. Wrestling II, Dusty Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, and, of course, Gordon Solie.
- With the world coming to an end, it’s a shame we will never have the opportunity to see “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl” made into a feature film starring Lindsey Lohan and Elizabeth Banks (with a special appearance by Dabney Coleman).
- I often doodle on the electronic signature pads in retail stores, instead of signing my name. Sure, the clerk will ask to see your card and driver’s license before they put the charges through, but when it comes time to sign, you could draw a picture of a Smurf doing bong hits on the dotted line and they wouldn’t bat an eye.
Speaking of Smurfs – actually, never mind. Maybe some things should be saved until after the world ends. Happy Apocalypse everyone!
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