If you read my blog regularly, you know that I’ve committed to writing more in 2013. (If you don’t, you can catch up on my 2013 resolutions here.) Great – so I’ve committed to writing more. Now the question I have to ask myself is, what do I write about? I have a few ideas, but I thought I would ask you, my readers, to help me out. What do you want to read about?
To help in this process, I’ve outlined 15 ideas below. They all revolve around lessons I learned the hard way in my youth. As a bonus, I’ve also included one sentence from the stories I think I would write around these ideas. Look them over, take the poll at the end of the post, and let me know what you would like to read more about. (I may get to them all eventually, or I may not – so if there is something that piques your curiosity, speak now. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.) The poll will be live until Sunday, January 13th at midnight.
So, what are you waiting for? This is your best chance all year to boss me around (unless you’re my wife – every day is her best chance to boss me around.) Vote now. Vote often. Hell, let’s pretend this is Chicago – vote for your dead friends and relatives. I look forward to your input.
Fifteen Lessons I Learned The Hard Way
1. Taping bottle rockets to paper airplanes won’t make them fly any further.
“The airplane had a brief ‘Buzz-Lightyear-falling-with-style’ moment, followed quickly by a ‘Mythbusters-slow-motion-epic-failure’ moment.”
2. Bourbon Street to the Superdome in New Orleans is much too far to walk at 3:00AM on New Year’s Eve – especially if you are one of the sober ones.
“Just as we finished ‘relieving’ ourselves through the wrought-iron fence, we heard the unmistakable ‘clop-clop’ sound of a mounted police officer behind us.”
3. Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean there’s not a car coming.
“I pulled out in to traffic with the confidence that only comes from the youthful belief that you are invincible.”
4. Sometimes that guy looking at you from the balcony of the mall is just a random stranger. Sometimes he’s with mall security and is going to kick you out of the mall because you have long hair and an earring. (But that’s okay – you’ll end up in the paper and the mall will end up issuing you a public apology.)
“In retrospect, I have to wonder if the mall security officer (being as bald as a baboon’s butt, and just as ugly) was just jealous of my hair.”
5. If you and your marching band find yourselves listening to a group of older gentlemen explain their Fantasy Fest costumes in Key West, and one of them says he’s a mixed drink – don’t ask him what drink he is. The answer might be “A Fuzzy Navel”.
“As he began to pull up the shirt of his costume to expose his stomach, I realized there was absolutely nothing good that could come out of the next 30 seconds.”
6. Life really is sometimes about the luck of the draw and God has a real sense of humor. Exhibit 1: The only concert you ever got front row seats to was Heart, not Bon Jovi or Poison. (And, man, was it cold waiting out in front of the record store that night…)
“Ann Wilson avoided the front of the stage like it was the salad bar at fat camp.”
7. Don’t play golf indoors in a 12×36 concrete room unless you have a hard head or fast reflexes.
“There was a sharp ‘thonk’, like a cartoon cat being beaned by a mallet, then a moment of sheer panic as my brain screamed – where is the golf ball?”
8. There are a lot of things that taste great on pizza. Watermelon is not one of them.
“Having run through everything edible in the kitchen, we turned our attention to the salad bar. It’s still not clear to me why there was watermelon on the salad bar.”
9. Blue mascara is NOT an acceptable substance to highlight your hair with. It will bond with the Aquanet you used and be almost impossible to wash out.
“But hey – it looked really cool – isn’t that what matters?”
10. Waffle House is many wonderful things, but it’s not a place to have breakfast after the midnight showing of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”.
“As we walked in, everyone turned to look at us – the only thing missing was the abrupt scratching of a record needle.”
11. Just because the golf cart will go UP the pile of sand at full speed, doesn’t mean it will come back down.
“Like most good stories involving someone from the South, this one started with – ‘Hey, watch this…’”
12. That “quiet” guy you got paired with as a roommate your freshman year? Him cutting the wires to your telephone and answering machine is a sure sign that “quiet” actually means “crazy”.
“It crossed my mind that this was the moment they never show in the movies – the one right before they find the dead body and the killer painting monkeys on the wall with the victim’s blood.”
13. Knowing how to measure and drill a bowling ball is not, in fact, a useful life skill.
“Seriously – there’s absolutely no use for this skill at all.”
14. Just because girls dig a guy with long hair who can play the piano and write his own music, doesn’t mean you actually have any idea how to talk to girls.
“She said hello and asked me what my name was. It was like she asked me to explain the how Jethro Tull won a Grammy for best Heavy Metal performance – I had no idea.”
15. Always take enough money for breakfast if you and your buddies are going to drive to Key West on the spur of the moment on a Saturday night. (On a related note – you should call “shotgun” REALLY quickly…)
“The sun rose majestically above the horizon, and brought with it three thoughts – ‘What a beautiful morning”, “The sand on the beach is not very comfortable”, and “We really should have brought some food.”
Okay, those are the ideas – now that power lies in your hands. Let me know what you think. It’s time to vote!
© 2013, The Word Zombie. All rights reserved.